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[
02/02/08 - 9:13pm] |
so where to start
well, as opposed to the last time I posted..im currently sitting in my dorm at college
yes college
who would have thought i would have made it this far, i never thought i did
I'm an elemetary education major, concentrating in math (say what? yeah, i know) figured it's the only thing i could possibly be good at
apparently i was wrong and that was reflected in the 2.21 gpa i got the first semester...which no one should be surprised about, i was never a person who was remotely serious about an education
also something we never would have guessed? i joined a sorority
yeah, we would think it's not really me, but it worked out well, and i met a great group of girls
i actually met a lot of great people here, DST, Terps, random classes...
the only problem with being here?
it's not home
i feel like there is so much going on there that i need to be there to take care of my friends and make sure everythings ok
i was just looking through old pictures the other day, friends i swore i would never lose are people i forget about on a daily basis
that's never what i wanted, these were people i rarely spent a day not talking to and now im lucky if i see them on vacations, friends ive had for years are slowly becoming distant memories
you never think about legitimately losing people
you're sad because you're not gonna see them as much..because maybe you'll miss out on some important events because you're in class
not because you think you'll never see them again
the worst part is that im in college and i dont feel like ive changed at all
im not more mature, i havent grown up, im not more responsible im no different than i was before i left
in some senses ive almost accomplished the opposite
i go out and i drink, i skip class, i dont do homework
its now when things like that matter, and i cant do it anymore
and the drama i thought i was leaving at home has only followed me here
and wanting to be a better person has only failed me because its my fault shit happens
its my fault friendships are "going down the shitter" it's my fault things dont get done, its my fault my grades are poor and my attitude is poorer, it's my fault people dont want to be around me anymore, honestly who else is there to blame?
i wanted so little from my experience here
i wanted to meet great people
i wanted to achieve academically
i wanted a serious relationship
and i wanted experiences i would never forget
i feel like i havent accomplished most of what i set out to do which i can only blame on myself once again
im so tired of feeling like...nothing? i put on this facade of happiness, i joke and i laugh but its only because its the easiest emotion to feel, i honestly feel nothing so much of the time
this isnt what i signed up for,
i dont even know what to do with myself anymore, i dont have people i need to be around, not saying i dont have a social life but you know what i mean
i just feel like maybe im out of options
its strange, but its true
im just kinda...over it
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| does it realloy matter? |
[
05/25/07 - 1:01am] |
i odnt mean to sound like a hippie but lets just think about the following:
we have to all realize, and this is myself included, that we need to stop fighting about everything
the drama needs to chill the fuck out and we have to all realize that life has to be more than this pettiness and bullshit we pull with each other all the time
life has to be simpler than always arguing and fighting and creating drama and secrets and all this crap it has to be simpler
and it really has to mean more
when are we (me) going to realize that we could be so much happier and fulfilled? maybe? if we just cut the crap
i dunno...
maybe its just me
maybe im the CAUSE of the fights and the arguments
the cause of the secrets and the drama
maybe this shouldnt be about everyone...but about me
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[
05/22/07 - 1:44pm] |
i dont get it
why do people lie
why do people backstab
and why do i still stand by everyone 100%?
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| Moving on // college |
[
05/22/07 - 11:43am] |
its time for me to suck it up and move on
its time for the summer of 2007
work and All Shook Up and (hopefully) High School Musical
its time for me to move on from the pettyness that i know IVE created
im ready to enjoy and appreciate and MOVE ON
college is approaching really really really fast
wow, really fast... today is May 22, I leave for Oneonta approx. August 27th. That's a little over 3 months...THREE MONTHS three months ago i was doing HSM at CM and that doesnt seem so long ago...
i dont know if i can do it, i dont know if im ready.. yes im excited, im ready for a change im ready to meet new people, have new experiances... but to pack up and leave the ONLY home i've had for the past 18 years?
im not so sure if im ready for THAT
i dont know if im ready to leave all my friends, im not ready for that im not im not
im scared, like i know Colie's there with me and we're going to be expieriancing the same things while being left out of the same at the same time, but i dont like that feeling
bottom line is...im ready to move on and approach the summer, but im scared out of my mind for what happens next...
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[
04/10/07 - 2:16pm] |
i just wanted to say that ive totally been feeling deserted
and its not directed at anyone or any specific incident or anything like that
i try so hard to involve everyone in what im doing
and i thought it would change when i changed friends, but not really
whatver, im so tired of it lol...im just done
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[
03/12/07 - 12:41pm] |
weird
im happy
strange right?
i dont know what happened
but i think im just over it all
maybe its the weather, i dont know
but im just done
im done dealing with the bullshit people are giving me
and thats okay
i dont know
but i welcome it as a change
a good one
birthday in 9 days, maybe that'll give me another persective on things
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[
03/04/07 - 1:47am] |
im so sick of people being jerks
and me being treated like shit
im done im done im done im done
i cant do it anymore
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| friends |
[
03/01/07 - 11:11pm] |
this is kinda weird
but ive been thinking about it for a while
people always ask "would you rather have one best friend or a lot of aquantances"
and i always say i would love just one best friend
but i realized lately that thats not what i have
yes, i love all my friends and i dont know what i would do without them
but i have this problem with sticking with them
im always changing groups and people im talking to
and i dont do it on purpose, but i spread myself so thin that im left with meaningless nothing
i dont think i have a best friend
yes, i have close friends whom i love and can tell everything to
but i dont have that one person that i can go back years with and who i dont have to explain everything to because they were there through it all
its funny, because that's really all ive ever wanted
dont take this as me complaining, i have some of the most amazing friends in the world for whom i'd do anything for and they know it
regardless or not if they feel the same way, its a funny situation to be in
i have my friends from HSM
i have my friends from CHSM
i have my friends from Kings Park
i have my friends from Commack
i have my friends that i know from other friends through people blah blah blah
but they dont really know EACH OTHER
im not sure if i like that
i dunno, weird entry, but its been making me think
ps, im going to Oneonta...
love and such
D
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| end of HSM |
[
01/28/07 - 10:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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We're All In THis Together |
] |
truth of the matter is, i really dont know where to begin
i could sit and say how each one of you has changed me but that would take too long
ill keep this short and sweet
the past five months have been a blur, i remember when i was considering not even doing the show, good thing that changed
from the drama to the fights to all the laughs we've had, this has been one hell of an experiance
i want you all to know that you have become my family, and that i know of all the people in the world, i'll always have you guys
specifically to my core:
spending the next weeks without you is going to be hella hard
coming to HSM has become part of my routine and im going to miss it
i would sit here and list everything thats happened, but we all know whats important
we can all go ice skating again soon
and watch narnia
and do makeup
and watch goddess bunny until our eyes bleed
we can sit and figure out entire songs
and eat christmas fries at applebees
we could actually sit and do nothing and still make memories
i love you all, thanks for the good times
true story forever
D
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[
01/07/07 - 11:43pm] |
remember that time i wanted to crawl into a corner and never come out??
me too
remember that time i was having really bad deja vu?
fuck you
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[
01/02/07 - 11:28pm] |
ugh
as is life...right
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| .... |
[
01/01/07 - 5:38pm] |
he's my best friend in the entire world
and he couldnt care less
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| today... |
[
11/28/06 - 8:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 energetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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What a Secret...ooh what a secret |
] |
wow
i dont even know where to begin
today was...well, it was pretty perfect
started out with Twinsie sleeping over last night and us eating and talking
like we always do
then we got up super late and only had 15 min to get ready to get to the show
show at 10 was funn, the kids were super cute
afterwards me, jackie, brett, april, kevin, nicole, ryan, tori, chris, scott, rasheem, elora, tim, colie...(anyone else??) went to the diner
which was hys-terical i cant even remember
then we sat in the parking lot waiting for Ape's parentals to come get her
and we ran around and took pictures
then me, chris, colie, tim, brian, ryan, jackie and kevin went to a park // scary meuseam thingy? by the theater
and we played
then me ryan jackie and kevin went back to ryans house and watched his sibs who were SUPER cute
then we went to another park until it was dark and then i dropped ryan off at his haircut and jackie and kevin back at jackies house
i had so much fun, and i just wanted to let you guys know how much i love you<3
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| HSM |
[
11/19/06 - 1:26am] |
I know i've said it bagazillion times
but i'll say it again
thank you HSM for introducing me to some of the best people ever
i have had so much fun and i have met so many people and it is just fabulous
thank you guys for being wonderful, you mos def know who you are
tuh-rue story<3
PS SHOWS ARE SELLING OUT, LITTERALLY
call 631 581 2700 to buy tickets
DO NOT RELY ON BUYING THEM AT THE DOOR
again, the dates are
November 25 at 4 WHITE
November 26 at 3 WHITE
November 28 at 10 WHITE
December 1 at 8 RED
December 2 at 4 RED
December 3 at 3 RED
December 6 at 10 RED
December 9 at 4 WHITE and 8 RED
December 10 at 3 WHITE
December 11 at 10 WHITE
December 16 at 4 RED and 8 WHITE
December 17 at 3 RED
December 23 at 4 WHITE
December 26 at 2 RED
December 29 at 2 WHITE
if you love me....you will come
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| umm.... |
[
11/15/06 - 12:37am] |
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so why is it that i always like guys
who like other guys??
hi life, thank you for sucking so thourghaly
i super appreciate it :0)
ughh...kill me now
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| HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL |
[
11/07/06 - 1:27am] |
| [ |
music |
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We're All In This Together |
] |
Im not posting the dates or anything like that
i just wanted to say that some of the people in this cast kick so much ass that i wish i could be them
just in general
i love you guys so much and i cant wait until we get this thing in full motion because we will rock (rock) the house<33
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| blech |
[
10/15/06 - 11:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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crushed |
] |
so today i "broke up" with my best friend
i know that kinda sounds stupid, but its the best way to put it
i think it's the right thing to do
i mean, i know im a dramatic person and i get jealous really easily
which will just make the situation worse if we continue it like this
i know im going to miss her because for almost three years she was the person i knew i could turn to no matter what was happening and she would always be there for me
even when it got really bad no one else noticed that i was really upset except for her and she sat with me through all my complaining and whining
which is why i never thought she would hurt me the way she did
but she did, and it was the right decision then, right?
like i tried my hardest to be there for her when it all went wrong
but the truth is i was just thinking about me and how much she hurt ME and how that should have been more important
but like always, i put everyone else ahead of me
everyone else goes before me
i wish there was some way to make me feel better about the situation
i want my best friend back but i know thats not going to happen
i know im going to miss a lot of stuff and im going to be left out of a lot of stuff now too
take my advice, dont let guys come between friends, EVER
there is not ONE GUY who is worth losing your best friend over
i should know right?
i wish there was like, shit i could change about what happened
but the truth is, there is nothing i did, that put us in this situation nothing that i could go back in time and change i mean, maybe i did i did lie about how i was feeling to make her feel better, which was wrong
but i did it for her, which wasnt technically all bad, right?
i just want everything to be the way it was months ago
but it cant, right?
we all make decisions
and this ones mine
im so sorry
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[
10/02/06 - 1:53am] |
cant really deal with how pissed off ive been lately
its almost as if everyone i love is turning their backs on me
whatever, you can all go fuck yourselves because im so done dealing with the drama
i need to move on and grow up, we all do
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| thought i should update |
[
09/30/06 - 6:04pm] |
well, it's been a while since i updated and i figured i probably should
senior year is pretty cool
not a lot of classes means i dont really mind going of course i'd much rather be other places
most importantly today and last weekend i got to hang out with my Steph Torns before she left today for New Jersey
it's pretty sick that i got so close to her this summer and i love her to pieces
yesterday was hysterical, i cant remember a lot of it
but i do remember sharpies
and lots of beer pong :0)
it was great to see her before she left
and of course my other loves who were there
and i chipped my tooth, it looks really stupid
thats really all i have for now
but i do leave this not
guys should never come between friends
<3D
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| Senior Year?! |
[
09/07/06 - 8:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 looks like he has syph.... |
] |
| [ |
music |
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that song from Jackie's cell.... |
] |
So i pretty much started my senior year of high school yesterday
and let me tell you, it kicks some ass
but basically because i have no classes
plus no classes that will be that difficult
and ive made a vow to try to get along with people in my school
although i like getting a root canal in hell more :0)
but IM TRYING and thats all you can ask from me
seeing Footloose tomorrow with Jackie, obvs
because my best friend left me for college
what a silly choice
oh, by the way? Boys Suck :0(
xo, more later
<3D
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